“We drink to much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years. -Dr. Bob Moorehead, former pastore of Seattle’s Overlake Christian Church, from an essay entitled “The Paradox of Our Age”
I recently learned that our beloved, quasily deified and totally assassinated civil rights leader was a serial plagiarizer, both throughout his academic career — including his Doctoral Thesis at Boston U — and in his speeches. This isn’t new news, first coming to light when his wife, Coretta Scott King, released much of his scholastic papers to Stanford in the late 1980s. It is, however, refreshing for me when heroes become flesh and grounded, when ideas of perfection are desolved within universally flawed human experience. It makes me a feel a bit better about myself. Link
As I’m sure you are well aware, August 6th was National Rootbeer Float Day. To celebrate, let your lovely eyes and tongue tango over this recipe for a Rootbeer Float Cupcake. I probably won’t make it anytime soon — I theoretically attempt to avoid sugar, dairy and wheat, which, along with travel, love, and dreaming are pretty much the ingredients to most of the delicious things in life — but a Rootbeer Float Cupcake does sound tempestuous, a tasty Delorean race back in time to a magical world of elongated stripy bendy straws, when I was under 4 feet tall and all smiles all the time. Other cupcakes to contemplate include Pear and Blue Cheese Cupcakes and Lychee Lemon Coconut Cupcakes!
In the mold of Found Magazine, passiveaggresivenotes documents those messages from your upstairs neighbor about the fact that you have to make noise to live and maybe sanity depends on a bit of music, or to the roommates who never wash their dishes, or from the politically correct anal-toads who decry the flushing of toilets unless they are full and brown. These notes remind me of my time in residence in cooperative living situations. Apologies for the second one in advance. Link
The link below is a personality quiz entitled, “A Walk in the Woods.” My friend Courtney sent me this a while back and I found it insightful and unsettling. Just go with the first thoughts that pops into your little mind. Link
A delightful game: Poke a hole in each tablet and prepare a necklace for the players. Load your water guns and balloons and prepare for battle. The object is to foam the opposition’s tablet so it falls off the string. From the Geekdad Blog, which also has instructions for an Alka-Seltzer rocket! Link
Cheese contains tryptophan, an essential amino acid that aids with production of serotonin and melatonin, natural chemicals that regulate sleep and brain patterns. A study by the British Cheese Board surveyed the effects of varieties of cheeses on types of dreams. For example, it reports that of eaters of Red Leichester (nibbling an hour before bedtime), “over 60% of participants … revisited their schooldays, or long-lost childhood friends, or previous family homes and hometowns.” I’ve experimented with Stilton four times now and have been blessed with purely whimsical fantasy sequences that Roger Ebert would give three thumbs up to the moon, grasping its craters like a bowling ball, and aiming for Saturn. Cheese dreams might be a fine reason for vegans to reconsider the rigidness of their dietary belief systems and permit their lives a bit more color. Link
This is a picture I did not take of a woman in fitness workout wear; running shoes, shorts and an active top; standing by herself in a deserted aisle of a flourescent-lit supermarket, her arms crossed in front of her chest, tears smearing her cheeks while she unwaveringly stared at the store’s selection of baby diapers.
A photography teacher suggested I sleep with my camera, to take it everywhere so as to photograph life as it happens. However, I found staring at life through a lens invasive, non-participatory and mechanical, and I was always worried about my equipment, so this was a difficult proposition for me. The website UNphotographable is for those non-photographed moments of beauty, humanity and impermanence, translating image into words. Link
This is a picture I did not take of a cardboard box sitting on the sidewalk in front of the Post Office, like a package that someone was so excited to receive they couldn’t wait to open it, and they walked out of the Post Office and peeled back the lid to find it was filled with nothing but brown leaves, and in sadness or bewilderment, just left it there on the sidewalk, abandoned.
- [waterfalls] Who misses Left Eye?
- [truth] If I were God would you believe in me?
- [hammer] What time is it?
- [human resources] Was Tony Danza a “good” nanny on “Who’s the Boss”?
- [dead presidents] Does trickle down economics feel warm running down your leg?
- [Dead Heads] Does that bong water feel warm running down your chin?
- [socks] What is your favored masturbation receptacle?
- [benefits of terrorism] Shouldn’t 9/11 prove to be an excellent marketing tool for the 911 emergency call line.
I can’t walk down the street nowadays without people recognizing me as
“That Ejaculate Guy”.
That’s cool. Everybody needs an image.
On my last trip to the sperm bank, I got sat down and given the “sperm health” talk.
I found out from the lovely nurse/sperm wrangler the following:
1) A moderate amount of caffeine in your diet can actually improve sperm activity.
2) More than 20 drinks of alcohol a week will degrade sperm health. I’ll be safe and keep it at 19.
3) Staying well hydrated and eating well helps sperm count and health. Exercise too.
4) Sperm need 2-3 days after an ejaculation to rebuild to full amount.
5) However, after 5 days of not ejaculating, your sperm count will begin to falter as your sperm gets old.
6) Drugs and steroids will hurt your sperm. Just say no to sperm hurt.
7) Hot tubs, saunas, and fevers will decimate your sperm crop.
I hope this has been helpful to all our faithful readers who are really trying to knock somebody up. Keep it up, readers.
Remember: Condoms are 99% effective in preventing pregnancy, but anal sex is 100%.